Its my last book in to Pulau Tekong for now... As usual, I'm not looking forward to it, but I promised God that I will be joyful. So I should.

My POP is next saturday. What lies beyond I do not know.
What I do know is that I will not worry or be anxious.
I will cling close to You & walk the path that is laid before me.
You are telling me this... Its been repeated over & over again.
So I know you're preparing me. I know I just have to trust You.

Today was spent doing drills & practicing for the CO evening. There was SOC in the late evening for those who didn't complete it yesterday. Thank God I managed to clear it. Got quite a good timing too. 9 minutes 35 seconds. Really thank God that I mangaged to clear it because SOC isn't just about speed or endurance. You might be the fittest guy on the planet but once you screw up on any of the obstacles, it could mean failure. Praise God that I cleared my 'weak' obstacles, the low wall and the low rope. The lighter webbing that we wore also helped.

So today I was part of the team of pacers that were to run alongside the participating recruits & encourage them. Minus the obstacles... I was running with my buddy who was doing well till the swing trainer (similar to monkey bars). HE simply couldn't clear that obstacle. Although he completed the rest of the course, it was no use because if you fail one, you fail all.

Really had fun at the OC evening yesterday. Each platoon performed, imitated, sang, danced, joked and even did physical training for the entire company. It was so much more entertaining than I expected. I also got a chance to play the guitar & sing 'girl on friendster'. I was quite nervous so throughout the song, I was looking at the floor with occasional glances up. However, I got quite an amazing response from the company. It was my first standing ovation ever!! Even the officers & instructors were cheering! I also played 'the reason' by Hoobastank while some of the platoon sang.
Arnon awed the company with his techno music & yoyo tricks. Turns out he was some semi-professional yoyo-er. We did well enough to earn 2nd place... Hopefully I'll be able to get a copy of the video recording or at least the photos!

Just found out recently that my platoon mates have got a rather good impression of me. They were saying that it was possible for me to get into OCS. It came as a shock that people noticed my effort. I pray that the officers see this as well...

The cycle always repeats itself. I don't like booking in. But I know I'll feel better once I'm in. The only difference today is that my family isn't around. So even with the music on, I feel kinda lonely. But thank God that I'm never truly alone.

Who will I turn to in times like this? When you want someone special to pour your heart out to. Someone you don't have to feel shy with. Someone whom you can appear weak with and not be ashamed about it. No one can be strong all the time. No one can stay 'above it all' at every moment.
One of these days... There will be someone who sees through this flawed outer shell & be surprised. Someone will see the effort it took to get here as well as find qualities where I see none. But for now, I look to God as my guiding star to get me to where I need to be.

Dear Lord... Thank you for your faithfulness. I am convinced that I could not have made it without you. Not without your presence beside me at every moment, running beside me, training with me, comforting me, carrying me. Not without your touch that either speeds up recovery or heals instantly. Not without your words of encouragement that soothes me to sleep at night.
Lord. Hold me and calm my restlessness. Amen...

After SOC this morning, there's been nothing much happening. Been having admin time since lunch. Doing a bit of reading, a bit of sleeping & lots of thinking. Especially about where I'm going after POP.
*Just got back our platoon photo. I paid nine bucks for it and they spelt my name as 'Daril'. I'm not happy at all... Some of the guys don't even have their name in it. Some memoir.*

Looking ahead, I see lots of difficult times... With training that is going to be much worse than BMT. But then I ask myself, thousands of others have gone into command schools & have done well. This is assuming that I'm even selected for command school. Its already a disappointment that I might not be able to make it for OCS. Maybe I shouldn't feel so bad since most of the diploma batches go to SISPEC. Should I even bother giving my best now that I've missed the 'big prize'?

Reasons why I won't get into OCS:
1)SIT. test... I wasn't fantastic.
2)Its tough physically. Sometimes I feel like dying after things like SOC or 2.4 km run.
3)Do I really wanna go through the difficulty of command school for the rest of my NS?
4)Hearing my section mates complain about every single thing in BMT. I've been blocking it out for 2 months but it feels like its getting to me.
5)Why bother giving all your effort when just a bit is enough to pass?
6)Uncertainty... Even if I do get a Gold for IPPT & do well for SOC (under 10 minutes). It won't guarantee me a place in OCS?

I've been brooding over this long enough... My responsibilty is to do my best with a joyful heart. Where I go, He will lead. Whether or not its OCS, SISPEC or missing command school entirely.

Medical Center
Waiting here for my turn to see the medical officer (MO). Its been a while since I was last here. I'm not that bad. I decided to come because I need the rest. Especially for my legs. Soccer on saturday left me with aching muscles & a stretched hamsteing... I should recover in a couple of days... Just in time for my 16 km route march. The rest of the company are having foot drills now. Today will be quite a tiring day for them. Weights & Circuits later, BCCT after lunch & an Enduring Training (ET) Run in the evening. I'm glad for this time to rest. Didn't get as much as I should have during the long break. There's also more things to thing & pray about. For youth camp & also the changes in the XS cell ministry.

From what I've heard youth camp registration has been quite slow. I think there are about 50 people and not enough new friends. One issue I have with XS activities... Are they appealing to people my age? I'm classified as a young adult already. I'm sure there are some of my friends who would enjoy themselves despite the age differences. But what about those who can't because of different interests? I look at the new batch of XS youth & I recognise them as the little toddlers who used to be running around, pretending to be power rangers or some other equivelent cartoon character. Of course it can be said that I used to be like that & thats how the older members of Charis saw me too.

I remember the days where Ruth & I would joing the MYFers in the old conference room while our parents were having choir practice. I remember sensing the patience of the MYFers wear out as they had enough playing with me. Its not their fault. I was quite troublesome as a young child. But it wasn't just MYF. I dare say that at a young age, I had an awareness of spiritual things. Not an understanding, I was too young for that, but an awareness. I was hungry for the things of God... But there was a lack of encouragement from the adults?

I remember an incident where there was a book sale in the old social hall. And there was this 'pray for the nations' bookk that caught my interest. I was telling my dad that I wanted to get it and the book seller, a church member, remarked to my dad in front of me, "Are you sure he can understand? Why not get him the children's version? Got more pictures & simpler words."
That made me indignant and I think that it was one of the things that made me start questioning the faith and started the first falling away. It was still because of my own bad decisions but this was one of the 'push' factors. My point is, I don't want to water down any of the youth now but help them to grasp hold of & understand the things of God. But back to the point. Why is there a gap between XS & the young adults? Should there be something catered specifically for young adults? Army guys? Or are we just catering for certain kinds of youth?

*Paragraph Removed*

I'm now in the sick bay having a rest. Of all the problems I had, they admitted me in for sores eyes. I just took my lunch, my cough & flu medicine. Getting drowsy already. I'm probably going to do a little reading when I wake up.
*dozed off at 12.45pm*

::: Song of the Day :::
I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that I hate more than anything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works

When I go down, I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, only if I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where Peace can search me out and find
That I'm ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find the end of this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slipped through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do it makes me light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's a fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again
| relient k - when I go down |

I'm so satisfied with my long weekend. It couldn't have been better. Spent catching up with friends and family. Did a bit of shopping, a little exercise of swimming & soccer and a lot of eating. I think I spent almost $200 during these 5 days. T-shirts, taxi fares, good food...

Played soccer with Gerald's JC friends on saturday night. Its been awhile since I've played soccer. Feel out of touch. I dare say I'm a lot fitter than before though. But its not saying anything much when everyone you're playing with is super fit as well... Most of Gerald's friends were fresh out of BMT and there were quite a lot of Officer Cadet Trainees (OCT). So most of them could run around non-stop. Managed to score a beautiful long distance goal. I hit the ball with my outstep, it hit the crossbar and bounced in.

Had GG meeting in church after service today... There are going to be changes in the XS cell structure. Its been a long time coming. I think it will be good if everyone accepts it willingly. But I have a feeling that there will be some who won't warm up to the idea. But if this is the way God tells the leaders that we should go, shouldn't we submit to their leadership? The only problem I feel is that I won't have the time to lead a cell. Especially not if I go to command school. I don't know... Will I have to give up one responsibility to fulfill another?

I miss Spunky...

We just had a movie marathon of anger management, catwoman and gothika... Only the last movie was one that I hadn't watched before and it was quite entertaining. Quite gripping! But anyway... I'm enjoying myself! Although I haven't had enough rest, it feels good to be able to sit back and not worry about what time I have to wake up or how long I have left to fall in. The rest that I need now is both mental and physical.

The last 3 days were quite enjoyable although booking out was the only thing on my mind. I got silver for my IPPT again. Improved my Standing Broad Jump to 4 points but still need to work on my chin ups. Managed to get 9 minutes and 57 seconds for my 2.4km. A good thing considering that I running when I was ill. Had to also resist the temptation to fall out from the run after seeing other recruits walking to the sides of the track after 2 or 3 rounds.

The highlight of the week was definitely throwing the grenade... There's something about throwing that little piece of equipment containing enough power to take life that made me feel sick and powerful at the same time. I hope and pray that I never ever have to use one of those.

Its all over... No more outfield for the rest of BMT! I don't mind going outfield actually. Its just that going out less than one week after I field camp is really strenuous. SIT was really a challenge... Marching around on the reclaimed land in the hot sun for hours. I really can't imagine going through it again. Its the only thing I passionately dread about NS. I don't know whether my performance was good enough to earn me a recommendation to get into OCS(become an officer). At least I can be proud that I really gave my best. (cheesy but true!)

Now the only hurdles left are IPPT and SOC. These shouldn't be much of a problem. I got silver for my trial IPPT test. I thought I wouldn't be able to hit silver because of my 2.4km run. But it turns out I almost hit the gold standard timing of 9 minutes and 45 seconds. I was 4 seconds off... Its surprised me because it is the first time I've run under 11 minutes. Really pushed myself for it though. All the while during the run I was panting, 'God, help me.. God, help me!' And I managed to press on and keep running.

Guard duty last week wasn't too bad. I got to worship and pray for 2 hours at a time. While having a beautiful scenery to praise God for. It was really quite relaxing to be in the presence of God. Prayed for my family as well as the cell... I can see why they say BMT is an experience you'll never forget. How to forget when every activity is filled with situations that stir almost every emotion?

Booking out again on wednesday... Could really use the long break to rest and catch up with friends again. Soccer match next Saturday!!! I don't know if its me or anything, but I feel that church has lost its warmth. Don't get me wrong, the people are fine but I feel a little bit distant from them. Hopefully it'll get better in time.

I'm back again after another long 2 weeks in camp... In a word, field camp was wet. It rained every single day and every single night. Not a drizzle mind you... This was stormy weather kind of rain. It was strenuous but one heck of an experience. Thank God for His protection.

I was looking forward to a weekend of rest but unfortunately I'll have to book back in tomorrow night for guard duty. I got 'volunteered' for it because my rifle got stolen on the fifth night by one of the sergeants while I was asleep. I'm irritated with myself because I had put in effort to take care of my rifle for the previous 4 nights. I usually wind the sling a few times around my arm and then rest half my body over the rifle. I guess my hand must have slipped from the sling. Bleah...

So anyway, the worst thing is that I won't be able to go church this sunday. Its like being confined another week! But its a punishment that I feel that I deserve. Next week will be a short weekend too. Booking out only on Saturday afternoon or evening because of my situational test. That means I'm going outfield AGAIN! Outfield wouldn't be half as bad if it wasn't for the darn abrasions on my feet caused by wearing someone elses boots. Yup... We were allowed to take off our boots on one of the nights where we were sleeping in shelter and the next morning some one else took my size 8's. I'm still wearing the size 8's but the cutting of the boots is different. Probably wear my spare boots and buy another pair when I have enough credits. (Credits are given every month to NSF personnal to buy controlled army stuff like uniforms or equipment)

I almost forgot about range last week. I believe I have the ability to aim and shoot and I would have gotten a higher score than my 17/32 if my glasses didn't fog up during the night shooting. But excuses aside, I'm relieved that I didn't have to go for a re-shoot. Its amazing how much time we wasted just sitting at the range waiting for the various details (A detail is just another name for a group of men doing a particular activity) to go through the shoots.

My experience in the army has taught me the practical aspects of the goodness of God. Rather than learning from reading and from testimonies from others, I have learnt to depend on God for myself. One of the guys in my section mentioned that religion is for those that are weak... Those who can't depend on themselves. I agree totally with that statement. Except my relationship with God is no religion. Its not about rules. I am weak, no question about that. Its Him that makes me strong.

There's a sweet feeling when you're home... When you're with the people you love and care about. You know you're where you belong. Thats how I felt when I went back to church today. I had a wonderful time worshipping God today. Almost forgot what it was like to worship unreservedly, lifting my hands and my voice to God. Joseph chose a lot of love songs to God today and it really spoke of the way I feel about God after these 3 weeks. God's been so good to me that I can barely think about it without my eyes watering. Training has been tough but I feel like I'm inside a glove where nothing can harm me. Where difficult things are made bearable and the mundane made fun. This is God's promise to me and its almost unbelievable how its happening.

3 more hours before I book in... I can't wait to get it over with. This week will be a tough one with 3 days of range before I head out for field camp, which will stretch over the next weekend. Only 7 weeks left! As one of the platoon commanders in my company always says... "CAN BE DONE?!?!"
YES SIR!!!

::: Song of the Day :::
I heard a voice through the discord
Of a deluge of passersby
I saw one gaze frozen in time
Watching me passing by
And I swear I’ll know your face in the crowd
And I’ll hear your voice so loud
When you’re whispering

Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another

Here’s my kiss to betray
Desperate to brush the lips of grace
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied?
And oh sweet angel of mercy
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me
And oh sweet angel of mercy
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me

Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger
To be stronger
Hey unloving
I will love you
I will love you
I will love you

And Jesus, I’m ready to come home
Jesus, I’m ready to come home
I'm ready to come home
Hey unfaithful
Hey ungraceful
Hey unloving
I will love you
| underoath - some will seek forgiveness, others escape |

Book Out!!!
It feels so good to be out... To be with the people I love and care about. After 2 and a half weeks of physical and mental strain, it feels good to be able to relax again. However, the feeling on the ferry back to Singapore filled me with mixed emotions. I was glad to be able to come home, but I felt slightly anxious about returning to Tekong on Sunday. It would be another 2 weeks of tough, if not tougher, training. I know I'll be fine though.

Some scribblings I made during the free time I had...

3 October 2004, Sunday
Today has been quite relaxing. 5 days here and I've learnt so much. I've also learnt that fear is a poor motivator... It eats at your being and make you unable to function. Its almost comical to see the sergeants yelling in the faces of blubbering recruits.... ALMOST, if it wasn't so painfully pathetic. Trying my best to leave the fear behind is essential. I guess me being able to understand the sergeants helps alot. Unfortunately there are still some who just don't get it. And the whole platoon suffers. I don't mind though. I take it as an excuse to get free personal training.

There are a few who may be good at one thing but crap at another. For example, there's this guy who can do dozens of chin ups for fun. But he can't march well. Or another guy who can run 2.4 very quickly but cannot swim or shoot... I believe I'm one of the few who belong to the category which you might call, 'blessedly average'. Doing just well enough to stay out of trouble but still requiring effort to be good at certain things.

Like I said... So many things learnt in the past few days that I can't even remember what I did yesterday. The encouragements from friends and family have been timely and helpful. Especially yesterday when I wasn't feeling well. Thank God I managed to get through. I can do all things through him.


6 October 2004, Wednesday
I'm in the lecture room again. Another national education talk. They're trying to brain wash us!! Hahaha... They keep repeating how good, prepared and technologically advanced our SAF is. Which is true in a way. The SAF is good but I don't think we would last if there was any real enemy. Our army is like concertina wire barriers. They're there to hinder and not to stop. Whatever the case, I'll just do my best and obey God. It hasn't been easy though. Every morning I wake up and my mind tries to find some excuse to skip training. But my spirit doesn't allow me too.... How can I even if I wanted to? He is my protection and also my medicine when I'm sick. So there's no reason why I should be entitled to that kind of rest. The training has been mostly bearable and even enjoyable in some cases. My Platoon Commander (PC) was saying that the standard to be considered for OCS is at least a silver but I'm still quite a long way from that. I'll just keep training.


7 October 2004, Thursday
Just finished my IMT range (simulated shooting range). It was quite fun. Had to use an eye patch to aim properly. Right now we're just learning the techniques of shooting. I don't want to be a marksman. Aiming is uncomfortable for me because my left eye is open behind the eye patch.


8 October 2004, Friday
We're relaxing in the canteen after visiting the e-mart. The mood is generally relaxed today except for a new sergeant (future platoon sergeant). Super strict, super vulgar, almost hateful. But I think it'll be good for the platoon to have some discipline. Some aren't putting in effort. We were pushed this morning. 3km run followed by conditioning (push ups, 1.5min squats, superman lifts). Had a chin up training regime just now too... Still stuck at 5 the first time, but I did 2 more sets of 3 as well as one more set of 6 assisted chin ups. Thank God I just got half gloves so its gonna help a lot in preventing more blisters.

Signed up for life insurance by Aviva. I think it'll be a good investment. The speaker was trying to instill fear into us by implying that those who didn't sign up or those who didn't 'believe' were more likely to get into accidents. Had to pray and make sure that the reason for signing up was not because of fear.

I'm leaving now...

When God speaks there is always change.
I was afraid...
'What if I don't succeed?'
'What if I screw up on the first day?'

But this isn't about me... This is about You. Remind me constantly, dear Lord.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
If you can use anything, Lord, you can use me
Take my hands, Lord, and my feet,
Touch my heart, speak through me.
If you can use anything, Lord, you can use me!
| Ron Kenoly - Use Me |

Its here... The eve of my enlistment. 3 weeks of confinement coming up. This will be the longest time I've not blogged since I started journaling. I'll try to remember my experiences and update when I get out. Thats if I have the time or energy to... Come to think of it, this will be the longest time I'll be away from home. It will be a good experience I guess. I thank God for the countless friends who have encouraged me and prayed for me. It just feels so good that God sends these people to look out for me. Even people I'm not close to, like Edwin from Paya Lebar Methodist Church and Jon from Church Of Our Saviour, prayed for me when I met them. I can't help but feel that there is a work for me to do. Maybe you can write it off as something every Christian NSman should be doing, but I feel that its a responsibility not to be taken lightly. Something is relying on this.

You will spark something off.
Lynette gave me a word from God today and it just shook me. Not that I don't want to do it. Its just that the weight of responsibility seemed too much to take. It felt like there were so many things that I needed to do by myself. But then God reminded me of Moses' responsibility and how He guided Him as well. Right up to the point where He told Moses specifically what to do and say. God showed Moses that he could trust Him and then the rest was told on a need to know basis. Similar to what I'm going through now. I have the BIG picture and God will reveal the next steps gradually. I'm apprehensive about whats coming up. But praise God!!! He goes before me to prepare the way for me. He's walks beside me to guide me. And glory will be given to Him in places that I've been.

Dear Lord, thank You for preparing me for army. Thank you that in You, I can be spiritually strong, mentally sound and physically fit. You are my light, my sword, my shield, my fortress. Lord I thank You that I will not be tempted beyond what I can bear. I will not fall away from You but I will shine for You. For you will make my righteousness shine like the dawn. I will not be ashamed of the gospel but be a testimony for You. I will wear the cross around my neck with pride and responsibility. In Jesus' Name, AMEN!

Your Type is INFP
Introverted 33%
Intuitive 33%
Feeling 33%
Perceiving 67%
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

INFPs never seem to lose their sense of wonder. One might say they see life through rose-colored glasses. It's as though they live at the edge of a looking-glass world where mundane objects come to life, where flora and fauna take on near-human qualities.


INFP children often exhibit this in a 'Calvin and Hobbes' fashion, switching from reality to fantasy and back again. With few exceptions, it is the NF child who readily develops imaginary playmates (as with Anne of Green Gables's "bookcase girlfriend"--her own reflection) and whose stuffed animals come to life like the Velveteen Rabbit and the Skin Horse:

"...Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand..." (the Skin Horse)
INFPs have the ability to see good in almost anyone or anything. Even for the most unlovable the INFP is wont to have pity.

Their extreme depth of feeling is often hidden, even from themselves, until circumstances evoke an impassioned response. Of course, not all of life is rosy, and INFPs are not exempt from the same disappointments and frustrations common to humanity. As INTPs tend to have a sense of failed competence, INFPs struggle with the issue of their own ethical perfection, e.g., perfo rmance of duty for the greater cause. An INFP friend describes the inner conflict as not good versus bad, but on a grand scale, Good vs. Evil. Luke Skywalker in Star Wars depicts this conflict in his struggle between the two sides of "The Force." Although the dark side must be reckoned with, the INFP believes that good ultimately triumphs.

Some INFPs have a gift for taking technical information and putting it into layman's terms. Brendan Kehoe's Zen and the Art of the Internet is one example of this "de-jargoning" talent in action.

Functional Analysis
INFPs live primarily in a rich inner world of introverted Feeling. Being inward-turning, the natural attraction is away from world and toward essence and ideal. This introversion of dominant Feeling, receiving its data from extraverted intuition, must be the source of the quixotic nature of these usually gentle beings. Feeling is caught in the approach- avoidance bind between concern both for people and for All Creatures Great and Small, and a psycho-magnetic repulsion from the same. The "object," be it homo sapiens or a mere representation of an organism, is valued only to the degree that the object contains some measure of the inner Essence or greater Good. Doing a good deed, for example, may provide intrinsic satisfaction which is only secondary to the greater good of striking a blow against Man's Inhumanity to Mankind.

Extraverted intuition faces outward, greeting the world on behalf of Feeling. What the observer usually sees is creativity with implied good will. Intuition spawns this type's philosophical bent and strengthens pattern perception. It combines as auxiliary with introverted Feeling and gives rise to unusual skill in both character development and fluency with language--a sound basis for the development of literary facility. If INTPs aspire to word mechanics, INFPs would be verbal artists.

Sensing is introverted and often invisible. This stealth function in the third position gives INFPs a natural inclination toward absent- mindedness and other-worldliness, however, Feeling's strong people awareness provides a balancing, mitigating effect. This introverted Sensing is somewhat categorical, a subdued version of SJ sensing. In the third position, however, it is easily overridden by the stronger functions.

The INFP may turn to inferior extraverted Thinking for help in focusing on externals and for closure. INFPs can even masquerade in their ESTJ business suit, but not without expending considerable energy. The inferior, problematic nature of Extraverted Thinking is its lack of context and proportion. Single impersonal facts may loom large or attain higher priority than more salient principles which are all but overlooked.

Alrighty... This weekend has been a flurry of activity. Let me start on Friday. Went to Sentosa with Lynette, Pat, Gloria, Jennifer and Dennis. It was Jennifer's birthday and I guess they wanted to show her around. Did a lot of walking along the stretch of beaches at Sentosa. Basically talked nonsense all the way with Dennis. Had New Zealand Ice Cream at central beach and looked at couples making out in canoes. Basically a reminder of what I was like. Not that I was so indiscreet. But just a reminder to be careful. :P
Anyway, we celebrated Jennifer's birthday at the top of the giant merlion. She was so thrilled when she saw the cake and when we started singing Happy Birthday. It made me wonder why no one does these kinds of things for me. But then again, I'm not that kind of person. So it doesn't really matter.

Saturday was spent shopping for army stuff. Things like powder, extra army t-shirts and singlets, socks, black tape, kiwi shoe polish, etc... Met quite a few other guys who were also booking in on the same day as me. Went to meet Christine after dumping my stuff at home. Had dinner at Takashimaya before walking all the way to Dhoby Ghaut MRT... I actually intended to send her to her church youth service before heading back to my church. But I thought it would be good to see their youth service and also say hello to some of the mission trip people. I'm glad I did.

Seeker Service today was better than I expected... As usual, God did His 'thing'. There will always be things that we can improve on but praise God that He can use us for great things. I was especially moved during the actual skit. When Alicia, Jean and especially Wee Seng (1 year old Christian?) was acting out their roles, I was stunned by how God has been with them as they've grown spiritually. It was just the fact that these people love my God enough to serve Him in ways they know how.
If you could only see how He has changed our lives. If you didn't just brush it off as just another religious mumbo jumbo. If only you weren't blinded by the world. If you didn't try to reason everything out through logic with your limited understanding. And if you did try to reason logically, if only you'll do it thoroughly.
Would you believe?

I personally don't believe in scare tactics. But there was nothing scary about Atomic's (the speaker's name) message. He gave an overview on his topic, lingered in every point, revisited the points he covered after finishing each point and at the end of it all, summarised everything again. Maybe to make sure everyone got the message. Praise God no one fell asleep. Praise God that he works despite things like this. Haha. Not that I'm perfect in any way. I played horribly during worship too...
4 hours of soccer to cap it all off today. Its been a tiring weekend. But I'm a happy boy nonetheless. Praise God for family and friends. I'm going to spend my last few days as a civilian at Rhema Bible School. 7am tomorrow!

Went down to Rhema Bible School today for the healing service again. I was slightly late for the worship. Thankfully, Reverend Tony decided to linger in the Spirit so I managed to get into the flow as well. God's Spirit was definitely there so I used the opportunity to ask a few questions. And I got my answers...
As always when I hear God, He always reassures me. Always with such a sense of loving peace. Its interesting that I got all this during a healing service. Haha...

I will make a path for you. You've been reading about Joshua. See how I guided him? See how I made his victory as he obeyed me? Thats all I need and thats all I've been asking you for all this while. Your willingness & obedience.

If you're willing & obedient, you will eat the good of the land. If you're willing & obedient, you will bring my goodness to others. I can use anything or anyone so I can certainly use you. You have work to be completed in this next phase of life. You will be a light for others, a city on a hill. So find your lampstand and find your hill.

Yesterday I found out that I took 20 minutes for 2km because the machine was spoilt. I ran 2.5km using the better treadmill and I clocked 11 minutes 20 seconds. What a relief! I sensed something was wrong when I had to sprint at 9km per hour using the lousy machine. Now it can't even work anymore. Went to the gym again today and decided to jog a longer distance. I ran 5km in 30 minutes. At least now I'm more confident of my physical fitness. I think I'll jog again on Sunday.

::: Verse of the Day :::
You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
| Matthew 5:13-16 |

I just watched Dodgeball with Xiong, Liwei, Gerald and Angelina... We initially didn't buy a ticket for Xiong because of a miscommunication. But thankfully we could get another ticket for the seat in the row in front of us. Killer show with classic lines so stupid that they became funny. Ben Stiller was hilariously lame...

Less than week till enlistment. I almost had a panic attack yesterday afternoon. But I guess reading the book of Joshua has been encouraging me. How did Joshua become such a great leader? Simply by listening to what God told him to do. Pure & simple... How did Joshua & Israel sustain their faith? I think one of the key reasons was that they remembered the goodness of God and how He had sustained them since they left Egypt. This was evident in the stones that they put up every once in a while. I guess this blog is what you may call my 12 stones.

Been praying about whether or not I should aim for OCS... Not even sure if I have the capability to achieve that. But as people always remind me, if God plans for me to go, He will provide the means to. I will just prepare myself spiritually, mentally and physically to obey and carry through with it. Just like the way Joshua led Israel to success after success. All because he consulted God and obeyed. In fact, the only time they met with failure was when he didn't consult God. And even so, God provided a way back into the path of success.

So proud of Jeremy and the way he has started the prayer group in his bunk. If I manage to do the same, I'll be satisfied with myself. There's something for me to do in army. He's been preparing me for this for 2 years...

::: Verses of the Day :::
Then Joshua called the twelve men whom he had appointed from the children of Israel, one man from every tribe; and Joshua said to them:
"Cross over before the ark of the LORD your God into the midst of the Jordan, and each one of you take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the children of Israel, that this may be a sign among you when your children ask in time to come, saying, "What do these stones mean to you?' Then you shall answer them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD; when it crossed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. And these stones shall be for a memorial to the children of Israel forever."
| Joshua 4:4-7 |

I enjoyed my weekend. Saturday was something I'd looked forward to for so long. The soccer 'match' with Agape Methodist Church. It wasn't really a match because we had all mixed together and formed 2 groups. Really missed playing soccer on a field. There's nothing like it. The exhileration of running down the field at full speed with a ball at your feet is incredible. The thought of giving a penetrating pass or cross which would result in a goal sends shivers down my spine everytime I think about it. Soccer will always draw people. Its a universal game which anyone can play. If you can run and you can kick, you can play. Simple yet beautiful at the highest level.

So there was Joe who's been joining us more often in cell and church activities. There's Daniel, one of Dale's old pals from army. There was Issac, Derick's friend I think. The Agape youth were good sports too although they weren't used to our agressive style of soccer. But there were 2 or 3 of them who managed fine though. The Agape youth wanted to play them versus us in the 2nd half so we lent them 4 players. Unfortunately 2 of them got hurt. :/

Had practice after church. Only 2 songs because of seeker service next week. It felt good to play the drums for worship after more than a month hiatus. Had fun jamming with Xiong & Joe after the practice too. Went to suntec for 15 minutes before taking a cab down to 85 for dinner. Didn't feel like eating much. Too tired.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Temporary rush of pleasure
Forgotten, gone in an instant
Creations of desire
Filling the silky sky
Perhaps the end is here
Slowly the memory ebbs away
The pain is plastered
With the softest laughter

Forgive me if I distance myself
Promises broken and lies kept
Rebuild, Restructure
Life begun from the bottom rung
The reality of it rains down
Wave after wave of dreams destroyed
The fragments cut deep
Like attrition, it whits you away

Staring past you, the forbidden
Unable to meet your eyes
Like pools, pure and deep
An invitation to fall in
Traces of hope with every smile
Every glance, stolen like prized jewels
But in the end happiness reigns
For patient proximity is enough for me
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Sometimes you do things because you want it so badly. And its not wrong, but people might get the wrong impression of why you did those things. So you don't breathe a word to anyone.
Not the outcome I would have liked but I'm alright. Surprisingly alright. Definitely saddened. But it's not my whole life depending on it anymore. Keep in View...

Went for healing school thursday afternoon. Its always good to learn especially when Reverend Tony was giving an inspired teaching. About God having to fulfill His promises because He can't go against His Word. Because of His covenant and promise to Abraham and His new covenant in the form of Jesus Christ. Sort of like an obligation. Good for people who are in the business world. But my understanding of God is that He loves us and WANTS to bless us. Not because he is bound by terms of a contract. Nonetheless, it was an interesting point of view...

Met Dennis in the evening just to catch up and chat. Talked about things ranging from cell to serving in church and of course the favourite topic of all guys around the world.... SOCCER!!! =P
Anyway, I decided to hang around Tampines after he went home. Didn't go home till much much later.

Had prayer meeting this evening. Good time of prayer. There are more and more people as weeks go by. A sign that we're on the right track? I believe so. God spoke to me during thanksgiving near the end of the meeting. Now I've decided to throw off the things that hinder. I shall press towards the goal.

Speaking of goals... I shall score plenty tomorrow afternoon. I think there'll be an insane number of players coming down. Probably have to play a mini-league of four 7-a-side teams. Need to get some rest. Goodnight world. By the way, I'm still amazed at how 'alright' I'm feeling. Praise God for that.

::: Song of the Day :::
Can I just be something
Somewhere in your room that you won't notice
Maybe I'll be paper or books thrown on your floor
Move me when you want to
I'll live where you put me
In your VCR if I become a cassete
Or on top of your computer
If that's where I would fit then so be it

But things can't be perfect
All the time that I know
Sometimes we just have to let some things go

I will not say one word
I'll just hang around
I won't annoy you at all
When you move out I'll stay until I'm thrown away
But then it won't matter

I promise to start now (to start now)
I promise to start now (to start now)

Letting go is my life
I'll be on my way.....
| armor for sleep - kind of perfect |